How to Talk to Children About Safety Without Creating Fear

As parents, we face a difficult balance. We want to protect our children from danger. We also want them to grow up confident, trusting, and unafraid of the world. How do we teach safety without creating anxiety? How do we prepare children for real threats without stealing their childhood joy?

The answer lies in how we frame these conversations. Children can learn to be aware and cautious without becoming fearful. The key is age-appropriate information, practical skills, and an emphasis on empowerment rather than victimhood.

Why “Stranger Danger” Falls Short

For decades, parents warned children about strangers. Do not talk to strangers. Do not accept candy from strangers. Do not get in a car with a stranger. This advice, while well-intentioned, has serious limitations.

First, most child abuse is committed by people children know. Family members, family friends, coaches, teachers, and neighbors account for the vast majority of offenses against children. Focusing exclusively on strangers leaves children unprepared for the more common threat.

Second, children have difficulty identifying who counts as a stranger. Is a neighbor a stranger? What about a police officer? A store clerk who helps them find a parent? Children need more nuanced guidance than a blanket warning about unknown people.

Third, fear-based messages can backfire. Children who are taught to fear all unfamiliar adults may be too afraid to seek help when they need it. A lost child should feel comfortable approaching a store employee or another parent with children.

Modern child safety education focuses on behaviors rather than categories of people. We teach children to recognize warning signs regardless of who displays them.

Body Safety Basics

One of the most important safety concepts children can learn involves body autonomy. Children should understand that their bodies belong to them and that they have the right to control who touches them.

Start these conversations early, during toddler years. Use correct anatomical terms for body parts. Avoid euphemisms that create confusion or shame. A child who knows the word “penis” or “vagina” can communicate clearly if something inappropriate happens.

Teach children the difference between safe touches and unsafe touches. Safe touches feel comfortable and are given with permission. Unsafe touches feel uncomfortable, hurt, or involve private areas. Private areas are those covered by a bathing suit.

Explain that even safe touches require consent. Children can say no to hugs from relatives. They do not have to sit on laps if they feel uncomfortable. Forcing physical affection teaches children that their boundaries do not matter.

The Secrets Rule

Abusers often tell children to keep secrets. “This is our special secret.” “Do not tell your parents or you will get in trouble.” “No one will believe you anyway.”

Teach children the difference between secrets and surprises. Surprises are temporary and end with happiness, like a birthday present. Secrets are meant to be kept forever. Explain that adults should never ask children to keep secrets from their parents.

Make this a firm rule in your family: We do not keep body secrets. If anyone asks you to keep a secret about touching, you must tell a parent or trusted adult. You will never be in trouble for telling. The person who asked for the secret is the one who did wrong.

Tricky People vs. Strangers

Replace the stranger danger concept with the idea of “tricky people.” Tricky people are anyone, stranger or known, who asks children to break safety rules.

A tricky person might ask a child to go somewhere without telling parents. A tricky person might offer gifts or special treatment in exchange for keeping secrets. A tricky person might try to get a child alone. A tricky person might ask a child to look at or do things that feel uncomfortable.

Teach children that safe adults do not ask children for help. If an adult needs directions, they ask another adult. If someone says a parent sent them, that person should know the family code word (establish one). Safe adults do not need children to keep secrets.

This framework allows children to evaluate situations based on behavior rather than familiarity. A family friend who exhibits tricky behavior is just as dangerous as a stranger who does the same.

What to Do in Unsafe Situations

Children need practical skills, not just warnings. Practice scenarios with your children so they know what to do.

If someone tries to grab you, make noise. Scream, yell, kick. Draw attention. Run toward people, stores, or homes with lights on.

If you get separated from parents in a store, find an employee with a name tag or a mom with children. Stay inside the store. Do not go to the parking lot to look for your family.

If someone asks you to keep a body secret, tell a trusted adult as soon as possible. This includes parents, grandparents, teachers, counselors, or other caregivers. Keep telling until someone helps.

If you ever feel unsafe, trust your gut feeling. That uncomfortable feeling is your body’s alarm system. It is okay to be rude if you feel threatened. Politeness matters less than safety.

Building a Safety Network

Help children identify multiple trusted adults. The “safe grown-ups” list should include people outside the immediate family, since sometimes abusers are family members. Include a teacher, neighbor, friend’s parent, or relative who lives elsewhere.

Practice with children: “Who are your safe grown-ups? What would you tell them if something happened? How would you reach them?”

Some families use a code word system. If parents ever need to send someone to pick up a child, that person will know the code word. If someone claims to be sent by parents but does not know the code word, the child should not go with them.

Maintaining Open Communication

The most protective factor against child abuse is open communication between parents and children. Children who feel they can tell their parents anything are more likely to report concerning behavior before it escalates.

Avoid overreacting when children share uncomfortable information. If a child tells you something disturbing and you respond with panic, they may hesitate to share in the future. Stay calm. Validate their feelings. Thank them for telling you.

Ask open-ended questions rather than leading ones. “What happened today?” rather than “Did anyone bother you?” Listen more than you talk. Create space for children to share at their own pace.

Check in regularly. Make safety conversations a normal part of family life rather than a one-time scary talk. Brief, casual discussions are more effective than lengthy lectures.

Age-Appropriate Information

Tailor your approach to your child’s developmental stage.

Preschoolers need simple rules: private parts are private, secrets about bodies are not okay, tell a safe grown-up if something feels wrong.

Elementary-age children can understand the tricky people concept and practice specific scenarios. They can memorize phone numbers and addresses. They can learn about online safety basics.

Preteens and teenagers need information about more sophisticated threats: manipulation tactics, online predators, dating violence, and consent in relationships. They need to know that the rules about body safety apply even when someone they like is involved.

A Foundation of Empowerment

The goal of safety education is not to frighten children but to empower them. Children who understand their rights, recognize warning signs, and know what to do in unsafe situations are safer than children who are simply afraid.

Frame safety skills as strengths. “You are learning to be smart and strong.” “Your voice matters.” “You have the power to protect yourself.”

With the right approach, children can learn to navigate the world with both awareness and confidence. They do not have to sacrifice joy for safety. They can have both.

Written by Jenny Montoya M.A. Forensic Psychology

If you suspect a child is being abused, contact the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-422-4453.